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omake: eir's tomorrow sidestory - typecasting

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Sep. 20th, 2009 | 06:39 pm
mood: quiet
music: in the dining commons.


The movie that we watched for this was Thor: Hammer of the Gods, on Scifi.  I mean, Syfy.  (Except that I’m a couple hours behind the other two and so I got most of the MSTing before watching it.)  artimusdin started it with her OMG EIR’S!CLOUD WOULD BE HORRIFIED AT THIS and my LOL HE TOTALLY WOULD, and chofi got some input of her own.


Written for croixsouillees, because my promise of drabbles for her actually made me take fucking notes during the movie.



Hades’ Phoenix


“Zack, what are we doing?”


“Relaxing.  Taking time off.  You and Sephiroth are both so tightly wound it’s a wonder your heads haven’t exploded yet.  High blood pressure kills, y’know.”


“…Watching bad movies is supposed to make us relax?”


Zack put his hands on his hips and glared at Cloud.  “Watching bad movies with friends is a time-honored tradition meant to bind us together with the ties of canned laughter, clichéd plots, and horrible acting.  Are you going to deny me my horrible acting?”


“Of course not,” Cloud huffed.  “I just don’t see why the rest of us have to be subjected to it.”


“Told you.  High blood pressure, bad for you.  Bad movies are great for that and the sentimental bonding.  Now sit.”


Cloud made an ‘oof’ sound as he was pushed down forcefully onto the sofa.  Sephiroth, content to remain silent and outside their bickering, sat down beside him with a little more dignity.  Zack’s quarters were the same basic, utilitarian design as the others SOLDIERs’, but there were personal touches that made it feel like more than just military barracks.  Cloud wondered if that was because Zack had so much enjoyment for life in him that he just couldn’t keep it all contained.


…No, he was being ridiculous, though not as ridiculous as the video disc in Zack’s hands.


“Zack,” he said slowly, “what movie are we watching?”


Thor: Hammer of the Gods!” he declared, brandishing the disc.  “Fearsome warriors must battle the forces of darkness trying to destroy their clan!  And by forces of darkness, I mean werewolves.”


Sephiroth quietly put a hand over his eyes.


“…Are you fucking serious?”


Humming slightly, Zack popped the disc into the player, grabbed the remote, and then wedged himself on Cloud’s other side so that the blond was in the middle.  Zack wore a huge grin, in contrast to Cloud’s disbelief and Sephiroth’s careful neutrality.


“Hey, I figured it’d be right up your alley, kiddo.  It’s got those gods you said your family was all about.”


Cloud wasn’t sure how to explain that those were just stories and his mum wasn’t the most discriminating of people when it came to reality anyway.  But Zack was all smiles as he wiggled beside Cloud to get comfortable on the small sofa, and instead of sneering and walking out of the room Sephiroth remained calm and warm on Cloud’s other side, so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.


He scratched out that last thought at the opening credits.


“If a man were to stand on a mountain like that, the wind would throw him off and smash him against the rocks.”  Growing up in the Nibel mountains, he would know, too.


Shh,” Zack hushed him, “it’s a movie, it’s not gonna be perfect.  Some suspension of disbelief is necessary for entertainment.”


“But that’s just asking for it,” Cloud protested.  “Winds like that would take down a freakin’ oak.”


“Sephiroth, sir, your subordinate is being insubordinate,” Zack loudly declared over Cloud.


“Technically,” said Sephiroth mildly, “he is a Regular and therefore under the command of Commander Gysahl through Sergeant Tokka.  You, on the other hand, are a direct subordinate to me by virtue of being SOLDIER Second Class.  In light of this, Lieutenant, would you like to amend your statement?”


Zack crossed his arms and pouted.  Cloud had the urge to point and laugh, but then Sephiroth might find a way to bypass the technical chain of command and make Cloud feel guilty for being so immature, so he squashed it.


It was clear by the first few lines of dialogue that the writer had been laboring under the assumption that the ancient warriors that were Cloud’s ancestors had spoken like particularly bad role-players.


“NO NORTHMAN HAS EVER SAILED THESE WATERS,” Zack howled, striking a pose and narrowly missing Sephiroth’s head with his beer bottle.


“WE WILL CLAIM IT FOR OUR OWN,” Cloud followed with deadpan seriousness, sending Zack into another round of loud amusement.


“Hey Cloud, does your family talk like this for real?”


“Fuck you, Zack.”



“…We don’t reference our gods all the fucking time,” Cloud muttered sulkily.  “And technically, Mjolnir is a one-handed hammer, not two.”


“What?  Why?”


“Loki messed it up when it was being forged.”


“…That sucks.  No wonder you northerners feel like you have something to prove with all that macho bullshit.”


“Lieutenant, what did I tell you about phallic jokes?”


“Er.  Not at public functions?”



“Thor’s a pussy.”


“Yeah, my mum didn’t make many offerings to him.”


“…Alrighty then.”



“You know it’s bad when a movie’s music literally goes DUN DUN DUN,” Zack snickered.


Cloud leaned over to Sephiroth.  “We need to get a music player.  For the next time Zack gets one of his ideas.”


The general nodded thoughtfully.  “I’ll speak with Reeve.”


“Hey!  Traitors!”



“Do you need the whole fucking tribe walking around in a group to figure out that the trail of blood belongs to the corpse lying ten feet away?  It’s like how girls have to hold each other’s hands to go to the bathroom.  Wait, these are the same guys who grunt more than they talk.  Never mind.”



“Hey Cloud, did your family ever make lots of bloodthirsty speeches, or only on the full moon?”


“Hey Zack, is your family inbred or did you just get beaten with the ugly stick?”


Sephiroth snerked.




“Ulfric’s a pussy.”


“If it makes you feel better,” said Sephiroth, “the man’s discontent will result in a dramatic argument with his tribe, which will then push him into the hold of the enemy and turn him into a traitor.  And like most such traitors, he will die a horrible death, with none of the glory he sought.”


Zack eyed him.  “You sure you haven’t seen this movie?”





“…For being a warrior, she’s rather skinny,” Sephiroth observed.


“She’s blonde and pretty, the guys won’t give a shit,” Cloud muttered dryly.




“…You all right, Zack?”





“Hey Cloud, how come you don’t invoke Odin like she does?”


“Because he’s the lord of the Aesir.  It’s like using a chainsaw to snap a toothpick.”


“And a death goddess is much better?”


“I already know I’m going to die.  I’d rather it wasn’t because I pissed off the wrong person.”


“…That’s deep, man.”



“See that dramatic pose right before they duel?  Real people don’t do that.  Do real people do that, Sephiroth?”


“Genesis does.”


“…Okay, do normal people do that?”


Cloud burst out laughing.



“Baldur’s a pussy.”


“He’s associated with light and goodness and whatnot.”


Zack nodded sagely.  “That explains a lot.”





Cloud looked at Zack strangely.  “Well, no, would you give real weapons to actors who don’t know what they’re doing?”


“At this point, it might’ve been a fucking mercy,” he grumbled.



“Oh, that’s subtle.  Traitor guy coming up behind the group and saying ‘I could’ve stabbed you in the back just now.’  I mean, really?  And aren’t these guys warriors?  Where’s their warrior-sense?  Why isn’t it tingling?”


“I think it broke under the weight of their awkward dialogue and bad acting.”


“Or the armor they couldn’t afford.” 


When Cloud and Zack both looked at him, Sephiroth explained, “Metal armor was difficult to produce in that time period and quite expensive.  The average warrior would never have been able to afford it, especially the women.  Of course, they might have stolen it, but the likelihood of plundering such complete and expensive armor for all of them is still rather low.”


“With all due respect, sir, you’re a serious geek.”





“What?” Cloud asked quizzically, ducking to avoid Zack’s flailing limbs and nearly falling into Sephiroth’s lap.


“You see how that skinny blonde chick killed the guy?  Pushed the sword really slowly into his heart with one arm?  You can’t do that.  There are ribs in the way and tendons and shit, and her arms are way too skinny.”


“You’re really stuck on that, aren’t you?”





Cloud groaned and covered his face.


Zack nearly fell off the sofa, laughing.  “HIS LUST FOR HIS HAMMER IS INSATIABLE.”


Sephiroth sighed.  “Phallic jokes, Zack.”


“Hey, I didn’t say it, the wolf guy did!”


“So now you’re doing to do whatever the wolf guy says?  Very mature.”


“That’s Fenrir, and they butchered him,” Cloud suddenly snarled, and then he was the one flailing.  “He’s a giant wolf that terrified the gods, not this – this pufferfish-looking thing.  And Hel is not a skank with an entirely inappropriate accent and she is not a werewolf enslaved by Fenrir and the original Nebel-volk did not talk like this, or so help me they would’ve died out long before they actually did.  Scheiss!


Zack and Sephiroth watched his chest heave with emotion.  After a moment Zack tried, “You all right, Cloud?”




“I think it was meant to be artistic interpretation,” Sephiroth ventured, then paused.  “Well, it might have worked if there had actually been a comprehensible script and multi-dimensional characters, but overall it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.”


Cloud scowled.  “What do mean, not as bad as it could’ve been?  It was a horrific piece of – “


“Having the entirety of LOVELESS quoted at you for over a decade puts a lot of things in perspective.”


Cloud shut his mouth with a sharp click.  Zack patted Sephiroth on the shoulder consolingly.  “You’ve got us now, sir.”  Then he whispered in Cloud’s ear, “See?  Sentimental bonding.”


The blond didn’t have to look to be able to solidly thwap him upside the head.

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Comments {46}

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(no subject)

from: spellhorn
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)

Oh, god. That absolutely killed me. I'm dead. This is my ghost writing this. Or my zombie.

I laughed so hard while reading this.

Can't wait for the next chapter to Eir.

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Terry, God of All that is not bad

(no subject)

from: krystalicekitsu
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 02:55 am (UTC)


Reply | Parent | Thread

All's Fair in Love and War...

(no subject)

from: artimusdin
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 02:33 am (UTC)

“With all due respect, sir, you’re a serious geek.”


ALSO, TYPO: "Told you. High blood pressure, bad for you. Bad movies are great for that and tthe sentimental bonding. Now sit."

Reply | Thread

Jukebox Hound

(no subject)

from: jukeboxhound
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 04:39 am (UTC)


*fixes typo grumpily*

Reply | Parent | Thread

White Adelphi

(no subject)

from: whiteadelphi
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 04:01 am (UTC)

*dies with laughter* Perfect thing to wake up to, I swear. Thanks so much for killing me this morning! XD

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Jukebox Hound

(no subject)

from: jukeboxhound
date: Jun. 5th, 2011 07:26 pm (UTC)

I hope the death has healed by now, a year and a half later.

Thanks. :)

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(no subject)

from: dracontia
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 04:04 am (UTC)

*giggles like a mad thing*

I think I have to watch this now, just to find all these really horrible spots.

Reply | Thread

Jukebox Hound

(no subject)

from: jukeboxhound
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)

Misery loves company.

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(no subject)

from: rosalui
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 05:15 am (UTC)

AHAHAHHAA XD SO much love. I'd quote the whole thing back to you if I could, but most of all:

"Sephiroth snerked"


How everyone kept ranting and then saying, "I'M FINE."


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(no subject)

from: guiltyred
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 02:04 pm (UTC)


"Sephiroth snerked" needs to be iconized. :3

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Armina Skitty

(no subject)

from: armina_skitty
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 04:10 pm (UTC)

Where is your Harem sign-in sheet and where's the bloody pen? I need you to take me now! Gods I needed that!

"Having the entirety of LOVELESS quoted at you for over a decade puts a lot of things in perspective." Oh dearest gods, would it ever. Poor Sephy, no wonder he snapped. One too many badly written poetry spouted at him.

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(no subject)

from: rosalui
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 05:03 pm (UTC)

Oh, GOD. I'm WATCHING it. What have you DONE to me?! D:

Reply | Thread

All's Fair in Love and War...

(no subject)

from: artimusdin
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 05:06 pm (UTC)

*points and laughs* Now you too shall feel what we had to go through~ <3

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(no subject)

from: etrix
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 07:28 pm (UTC)

There are some movies that are only enjoyable because of the comments from your fellow viewers. This appears to be one such movie.

I enjoyed 'watching' it with them. *snerk*

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(no subject)

from: lyra_star
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC)

I think i annoyed my sister by narrating the entire fic to her between all the wheezing and laughter God i think you just killed me!! *this is the ghost speaking BOOOOOO!*

Brilliant seriously! BRILLIANT! XD

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(no subject)

from: wickedly_evil
date: Sep. 21st, 2009 10:49 pm (UTC)

XDD I laughed so much. Now I just wish I knew the stories of the gods you mentioned. I'm gonna have to go to the library soon. ^^

Looking forward to the next chapter.

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(no subject)

from: cattypatra
date: Sep. 22nd, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)

I really really enjoyed this! It was a really nice side story to Eirs. It was good to be able to wake up and have a nice giggle before I had to leave the house. So thank you very much! <3 <3 <3

I love the characterisation and how everyone has a little hissy until they go "FINE." Really good fun.

Why am I tempted to watch this absolutely terrible movie now?!

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(no subject)

from: tazzles
date: Sep. 22nd, 2009 04:24 am (UTC)

That is so cute! Love the interactions between the three.

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(no subject)

from: quietncryptic
date: Sep. 22nd, 2009 05:19 am (UTC)

*giggles like a loon* Oh boy, glad I actually decided to look on LJ today! What a treat! XDDDDDD

I'm breathless right now; can't catch my breath from all the laughing. ♥

Poor Cloud having to sit through that monstrosity. XD

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(no subject)

from: garinarayne
date: Sep. 22nd, 2009 06:58 am (UTC)

This cracked me up something terrible. Reminds me of watching historical war films with a group of reenactors. Depending on the quality of the film and research, we're either screaming at the film or drooling at the weaponry. Eg. Kingdom of Heaven is known as "Artillery Porn"

Ahem. I will go and sit with Seph in the total geek corner. And yes, the thought of Fenrir being a lame werewolf instead of a kickass wolf who could only be controlled by being tricked is deeply infuriating. I feel your pain, Cloud.

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(no subject)

from: baka_oxymoron
date: Sep. 22nd, 2009 03:29 pm (UTC)

XD Ah, thank you. You've made facing the horrible morning at a timely hour completely worth it.

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Jukebox Hound

(no subject)

from: jukeboxhound
date: Oct. 1st, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)

Ha, no problem.

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