Jukebox Hound (jukeboxhound) wrote,
Jukebox Hound

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fic: made you look (fma)

Most of this was written while in the hospital, and I just threw on an ending for the sake of finishing it.  For some reason some of the lines still make me giggle to myself, even though that's rather pathetic, and the title doesn't make much sense out of my mental context.  Unbetaed.

Made You Look
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: None
[Humor, oneshot]





Everyone turned to look at one another at the exclamation.  Edward and a restored Alphonse had disappeared into the Fuhrer’s office about an hour ago, but when nothing had been immediately transmuted or blown up it seemed that this would be one of those uncommon, but not entirely rare, days of calm.


Now, Havoc was looking at Hawkeye with utter bewilderment.  “Didn’t they come to report on that one mission to Xing?”


“Yes,” she replied stiffly, still staring at the closed office door.


“Then how the hell did they get around to talking about…well, that?


How, indeed.


The details of the actual conversation were not particularly important.  It had started with Edward rattling off information about his and Alphonse’s latest mission to Xing with little coherence and no respect, and Roy (now Fuhrer Mustang) listened patiently until the broken narrative wound down.  Then he’d leapt upon something Ling had purportedly said to Edward, which led to accusations of perversity and pedophilic tendencies, to which Roy had replied that Edward was no longer a minor and was he offering?  Which had led to snarls and spluttering and if Alphonse hadn’t been there to reign in his older brother, the country might have lost another Fuhrer that day.


And somewhere in the course of all that, Roy Mustang – Grand Poobah of Amestris, Master Manipulator, Ladies’ Man and All-Around Bastard, had let slip a vital little piece of information.






“Fullmetal – “




“You’re a virgin too, Brother,” Alphonse broke in calmly, and Edward, rolling on the floor laughing, suddenly choked.


“But I’ve got an excuse!  I’m still young – “


“As a five-year-old,” Roy said dryly.


“ – but the Colonel Bastard here is practically in his fucking grave.  He probably had dinosaurs as pets.  Did they invent color in photographs before or after you were born?”


“…You do realize I’m not a colonel anymore, right?”


Edward waved off that bit of trivia breezily, far more concerned with taking Roy’s face and grinding it into humiliation.  “At least I’ve kissed someone!”


“I don’t think it counts if you and Winry were both six.”


Roy smirked as Edward spluttered some more and snarled at his benignly smiling brother.  “Whose side are you on, Al?”


“The side with the greater reach, as it were,” the Fuhrer threw in smoothly, and with the long patience developed by someone related to Edward Elric, Alphonse successfully resisted the urge to hit the older man.


Who are you calling so short he couldn’t reach the table without a sixteen-foot ladder?”


“You, apparently.”


“Brother…” Alphonse tried, but he was easily ignored.




The Fuhrer demonstratively yawned.  “For being regarded as such a prodigy, Fullmetal, you do have a tendency to repeat yourself.”


“Yeah, well, you’re a middle-aged virgin.  What’s the matter, you got a few problems?  Maybe you’re a bit too much like your alchemy, all about the flashy displays without the drive to follow through?”


“At least my alchemy hasn’t deprived me of vertical advantages.”


It was instinct by now for Alphonse to grab his brother’s shoulders and keep his flailing limbs from the smirking Roy’s face.  As Edward ranted and railed in his grip and Roy looked on while radiating smugness, Alphonse just dug in his heels and sighed.

One of these days, it was probably going to fall to him to make the two morons get a clue.

Tags: f: fullmetal alchemist, t: oneshot
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